I can’t stop eating*

I decided that I wasn’t done writing at the end of October after all.

Even though I’m usually tired and feel like I’m sacrificing sleep, this has really become part of my day that I look forward to and I like the motivation of trying to complete something. So, I’m going to push on and try and write every day until Christmas. I’m a little nervous that things will get busy through the December rush, but I want to try. I’ve written more in the last two months than I have in years, and in a way it’s helping me feel more like “me” than I have in a long time.

I like it.

I’m also working on a little something to say thank you to all of you for reading–and to help me bring my blog out of hiding. I closed everything off last spring, but I feel ready to step out a bit. More on this coming soon.

So, tonight I’m going to get a little real with something I’m struggling with… again.

I’ve been eating really, really terribly. I’ve been sort of off and on the healthy eating train the past few months, then I decided to get my act together and focus at the end of the summer. I did really well for the first few weeks into September, and then I got sick. I was sick with that stupid cold for just shy of a month and I started to slip. I was so tired and felt so awful that I let myself do anything to make myself feel a little better.

So, I started to eat… and I feel like I haven’t stopped. I’ve gained weight, my clothes don’t fit well and I feel like I have these raging cravings that I am letting run out of control. I’ve eaten an obscene amount of Hallowe’en candy in the past 24 hours and I feel so gross. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself; I keep going through these cycles of highs and lows. I am definitely an emotional eater, but lately I’ve just been eating because I’m bored, or because I want something, even if I’m not hungry. It makes no sense. I’m embarrassed to even admit that I’m in this place again, but I know I won’t make any changes unless I talk about it and admit that I have a problem and I have to stop.

Ugh.

If I’m being honest, I don’t think I was ready to do anything about it until now. Maybe it’s because I feel so absolutely gross today, but I feel like I’m ready to stop and do something about it. I am working on a plan to start tomorrow, and I know that if I write it here and feel like people are “watching” I’m more likely to stick to it. So, here I am.

The first thing I know I have to make myself do is stop wearing jogging pants every day. I hide in my baggy clothes that cover the areas where I gain weight, and it does absolutely nothing for my self confidence or self esteem. I feel better when I actually get dressed, even if it’s just jeans and a top, and I feel like I’m more conscious of my food choices when I’m dressed to take on the day. So, that starts tomorrow. (I’m definitely currently sitting in sweats and a loose top.)

I also need to get off the sugar. I can’t seem to moderate or control it unless I’m completely off it. I feel so much better when I’m not eating it, I just have to survive the first few days and make some healthier food choices.

I’m also the best at making excuses for why I can’t exercise. Seriously. I am a pro. I was running, and it was going so so well.. and then I injured my hips and back again and had to stop. I have the all-clear from my Osteopath to try it again, but I’m so afraid that I’ll injure myself again. So, I hide and tell myself that I can’t run. I also use this as my general reason for not exercising–I think I have some kind of mild PTSD from this hip injury. I feel so afraid to do anything on the off chance my hips will go out again.

…but then I know they won’t fully heal until my body gets stronger, so it’s like a double edged sword.

So, I’m going to try something I’ve never really done: indoor home workouts. This feels new and weird to me–I much prefer to be out running and alone with my music, but this will inevitably be done with the kids or M around “watching” me, which I feel really shy and awkward about.

But it must be done.

So, there’s my first big three things. There are some other things I need to work on, but these are the things I need you to hold me accountable on. I’ll update periodically here and document things on Instagram, but I really have to make some changes. I want to feel better and, you know, for my shirts to fit. Muffin tops are the best… unless they’re on my body. Then they are not my favourite.

I know that I can do this if I just make up my mind to do it. So, here we go.

Operation Healthy H starts now.