My thoughts*

Something about books, hugs and I worked out today*

I had to tear myself away from my book to come and write tonight. I’m deep into this month’s book club book, and for the life of me, I cannot figure the mystery out. It’s so twisty and turny and I loooooove it.

Today was actually a pretty great day. It was cold, wet and rainy which I did not love, but I had a much needed home day and it was so nice. I’ve worked the past two days, and by day 3 (in a row) it seems like everyone in the house feels it. S’s shoulders sag a little when she learns I have to run out the door early in the morning, H frowns a little when he learns I won’t be taking him to school (again), and P just seems a little more clingy. I was secretly hoping that I wouldn’t get booked, and I was not at all disappointed to have a day at home. I could tell P was feeling my absence by last night, as after dinner he grabbed my hand, pulled me to the couch, crawled up on my lap and refused to move for an hour. I happily ignored the dishes and let him burrow into me while we watched a movie.

Today we just hung out, him & I. We played dinosaurs, did some shopping, took silly photos with face filters and snuggled. He was in such a good mood all day, and I swear he came to give me hugs about every five minutes.

I did not object.

He comes running over, yells “MAMA!” at the top of his lungs, then hurls his little body into my arms. It is the best.

He also “helped” me do my first home workout today. That’s right, I said I was going to do something so I finally did. I am very, very out of shape with a tender back and wonky hips, so I found a 15 minute Pop Sugar workout on youtube that actually incorporated several of the exercises and stretches my Osteopath has been telling me I need to do. (Which clearly I have not been doing.) P only shut the TV off once, and helpfully brought me dinosaurs to hold while I was trying to finish the workout. At one point I had to lie on my back for something, and I must have closed my eyes for a second. The next thing I knew, his nose was touching mine and he yelled, “MAMA! WAKE UP.”

He’s a good workout partner. I think.

All in all, it was not a terrible experience and we survived the 15 minutes. I completed the rest of my Osteo exercises once it was finished, and that was really enough for me for today. I felt good about starting something, and my hips are not yelling at me the way I thought they would, which is a win!

I ate better today–I managed to stay mostly clear of junk until dinner time, then I had one small binge. I find dinnertime stressful with the kids–between trying to get the food ready, get everyone to eat it while trying to have 3 simultaneous conversations with S, H and M overwhelms me sometimes. We are trying to teach the kids to wait their turns to start talking and to stop interrupting each other (and us) but it’s a work in progress. I love that they want to tell us their important things, it’s just hard when they all come spilling out at the same time. It feels like a tornado of chaos (and love) but my brain can only process one at a time.

So, when I get overloaded, I eat.

…but today I stopped myself before going too far, so I’ll take it. I also made myself a proper breakfast that wasn’t cookies, ate healthy snacks and stayed clear of the Hallowe’en candy until dinner time. I know getting off sugar again won’t be easy, but I’ll do it. Tomorrow I’ll try again.

I also did my hair and put on proper pants today, without an elastic waistband. I really did feel better getting dressed, even if I feel a bit frumpy in my clothes. But I just keep telling myself: it’s a work in progress. Every day can be better than yesterday… I don’t have to be perfect, just better than the day before.

So, onwards and upwards.

It’s all mental for me, and I just need to reset the way I’m thinking. I am so impatient, and am totally that person who thinks, “Okay. I totally had a healthy breakfast and lunch. How am I not skinny yet?!” while eating a chocolate chip cookie. Like I said, it’s a work in progress.

Okay. Book break is over. I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight until I figure out how this ends. AH.


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