I’m not the pregnant person I thought I’d be.
Everyone has a dream about some big life event and how they would love for it to unfold. For many girls / women, it’s their wedding. Some even have it planned out before they’ve even met the groom.
It wasn’t like that for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t think about getting married, the big frilly wedding part just wasn’t something I ever really thought about until the Hubster proposed. There were no wedding dress collages in my childhood, and I didn’t know what song my Dad and I were going to dance to until a couple of weeks before the big day.
For me, the dream was having a baby and becoming a mother.
It was never something I obsessed over, but it was always there–a fervent desire tucked away in the corner of my heart. A secret wish that I could barely let myself dwell on, as the idea of it was wrapped up in so much fear.
Fear that it wouldn’t happen for me.
In case you’re new around these parts and haven’t read through Our Story yet, I was 19 when we got engaged, and had barely hit 20 at the time of our wedding. I was just starting the second year of my post-secondary education, and the Hubster was just embarking on the first year of his.
In the months leading up to our wedding, the Hubster and I had several conversations about the “big” topics and issues that can come up when you are blending two lives– money, family and of course, children. The Hubster and I both wanted kids–several in fact–but we knew that we’d need to wait a while before we’d be able to start our family.
That was six years ago. Did I imagine waiting that long to start a family back then?
But it was the best decision for us. There were several moments throughout that time that I didn’t want to wait any longer; when starting a family seemed like the “easier” option over pushing through university.
Thankfully the Hubster supported and pushed me through my hard times and I walked away with two degrees and a career that I love.
A career that I love so much more than I ever expected to, even when I have days like I had today, complete with students shouting obscenities and switching off lights in the class.
You see, because of my desire to be a mother, I just always assumed that I would immediately walk away from my job and stay at home with the kids. I always assumed that it would be easy for me to do that.
I still think it’s important to be at home with my child(ren), but I didn’t expect the leaving part to be this hard.
I always thought that the moment I found out I was pregnant I would become a gushy, extremely excited, emotional mom-to-be. I am excited, and I am emotional, but quietly so.
Instead of the gushy, outward excitement I expected to feel, instead I’ve felt a quiet calm happiness as I’ve watched my belly grow. There’s been a quiet intimacy that I’ve been reluctant to share with anyone.
…and I haven’t gushed. In fact, I sometimes feel like my friends show more excitement about my pregnancy than I do–but that’s not true. I just have trouble expressing that outwardly. I feel bad when they come running up and animatedly ask me how excited I am, and my answers always feel subdued.
It’s not that I’m not excited. It’s just that I waited so long to be here that sometimes I still have to pinch myself to make sure it’s real. We also had so little time to switch our brains from career mode to baby mode that it’s taken me a little longer to get the hang of this.
It’s taken me a while to realize that that secret wish in the corner of my heart is about to become a reality. That in four months we’ll meet this little baby that is gently knocking on the inside of my belly as I type.
That in four months I’ll have a daughter.
From day one I’ve been calling this baby “the kid” or “the wee-bean”. It began simply because we didn’t know what we were having, then the wee-bean kinda stuck.
A few days ago I was talking about the wee-bean, but instead of referring to her by her usual nicknames, the words “my daughter” slipped out for the first time.
It sounds like such a silly, obvious thing. I’m having a girl, so of course I’m going to have a daughter.
Only, it completely changed everything.
I felt so… connected to her in that moment. It really hit me that this isn’t just a baby, this is our baby. Our daughter.
And while I may not be the gushy, overly excitable pregnant woman I thought I’d be, I am so excited to meet this little girl.
My little girl.
Miss Gentle Nudge*
This was incredibly heart warming!! I’ve never thought of it like that; baby girl vs daughter. It’s really powerful actually and made me love my mom even more than I do…which is pretty impossible as I love her more than anything!
I think your feelings are totally normal! It’s funny that how you feel once you actually are pregnant is much different than what you had expecxted to feel! Even though you may not feel “gushy” you will be once your little one arrives! It’s magical to hold them in your arms and so completely different from being pregnant. When I was prego with Marshal I wasn’t gushy at all and I wondered how I would feel when I got to hold him for the first time- but the feeling was completely undescribable! Aslo with regards to your- not sure how you feel about leaving the career comments- I think it’s completely normal. Especially for teachers- you kind of are a mother in a way to your students. I know I had no desire to stop teaching even after I had Marshal, and I continued to work part time, but then there were days when I wished that I could just stay home and be with him so I wouldn’t miss a thing! It’s hard to explain how different you’ll feel once your little girl is born but trust me it will ALL be different!
I still have to tell myself that every day and my daughter is 14 months old! Just yesterday I was bowled over by the simple realization that she is half of me. The connection just keeps growing and growing and reaffirming itself the whole time. It’s such an amazing experience, but you don’t have to be gushing to enjoy it!
This is such a sweet post! I love it. :) I often had these childhood dreams of pregnancy and motherhood where it was the only thing I could see making me happy: being a mother – and a stay-at-home mother at that. It’s funny, though, how our dreams change and grow as we get older and start realizing what we really want out of life.
Beautiful words! I think we all have dreams that when finally fulfilled, it can almost seem surreal. Although you and the hubster did indeed wait a “long” time to have kids, you two got married quite young and it sounds like now is the perfect time to make your family a little bigger. Plus, now you will have a daughter and a career you love! ;)
I loved reading this post. I can only imagine how exciting and weird it would be to use the word daughter for the first time. What an exciting time for you!
i completely understand