Looking for Balance*

Balance.

I feel like it’s a theme I keep coming back to again and again this year. I honestly don’t know how people do it–find a balance between work and home, self and family, responsibility and recreation.

In the past few weeks work has picked up. A lot. With the exception of two sick days and one day without a call, I’ve worked every day since the March Break.

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled about this. We need the money more than ever, and I’m finally in a really good place with my job. I would say that ninety-five percent of the calls I get are requests to work at one of my three favourite schools. I’m now usually booked several days in advance, and I rarely wake up wondering where I’ll be working that day.

I really do love my job.

…but I also find it exhausting.

In some ways I almost think that teaching is like a drug for me. I love it, and I ride this high wave all day long… and then crash when I get home. I am so tired at the end of the day. I always wake up with these awesome intentions to exercise, clean and get things done after work.

…and then I come home and none of it happens.

I just don’t know how people do it. And all this happiness surrounding my job is tinged with shadows of failure over all the other things I’m not doing.

I’m not exercising, and I really want to be. I really looked at myself in the mirror this morning and realized how ashamed I am of my body right now. I feel awkward and disproportionate. I feel… unattractive.

And I want to do something about it. I really, really do. But I don’t know where to start.

How on earth do people fit it in? I already wake up at 6am every day, and I really don’t think I could handle anything earlier. My ideal time would be between work and dinner, but I’m so tired when I get home from work. I could go after dinner, but I always feel gross after eating.

And then it’s dark and time for bed.

I know that the summer holidays are coming, but at this point they still feel forever away.

I just don’t know how to do everything.

I don’t know how to find balance.