My thoughts*

She Fail*

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Dear Shakira,

We’ve been friends for a long time, you and I. I have loved your music since the Whenever, Wherever days and my friends and I even choreographed a dance to match the song (complete with not-so sexy crawling moves as seen in your video. Sadly, my mom wouldn’t let us bring mud into the house to make it complete. Mothers. *sigh*).

I think your voice is amazing because it is SO unique and your sound is so… original. I covet your fabulous hair with great coveting, and wish my Hips Didn’t Lie like yours. Really, there is a lot of love here.

So when I heard the beginning of your new song on the radio this week I was SO excited. Seriously. I’ve even managed to get the Hubs to appreciate your music (and he really doesn’t enjoy a lot of my music collection… ha). I was LOVING She Wolf as it started… and then I heard something that I thought had to be a mistake. I wasn’t watching Twilight and there certainly were no werewolves around… but no. It played again and there it was…

The “howl”.

Ohhh hunny. I wish you had called and asked me if it might be a fun addition to the song, to which I would have kindly told you…

HECK NO. (with all the love that I possess, of course.)

I’m trying hard to find some way to appreciate the howling in a non-mocking way but was having difficulty just listening to the song (which is actually quite catchy and fun otherwise), so I thought that watching the video might help. The Hubster and I looked it up last night and let me tell you–I now understand the need for the psychotic heavy panting in the song…. but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Now I was just a little confused… was your video supposed to be somewhat of a Thriller knock off? I’m hoping that you were just trying to honour MJ in your own special way. But then the whole full moon bit passed and, oh, Shakira… we need to talk.

First things first–I’m worried about you! Have they cut your budget, or simply your clothes? It appears that you’re missing half of your leotard! Was it stolen? Was it moths? I bet it was moths. Those devils can chew holes like no tomorrow. Tsk, tsk. You should’ve borrowed a snuggie from Kristina P… I bet it would have been a little warmer for you, and think of the alliteration magic! She Wolf could become She Snuggie, Snuggie Wolf, or even She Snuggie Wolf! You really should have called.

And since we’re BFF’s and you trust my opinion more than everyone else’s and all, I need to tell you to fire your costume manager like, right now. I bet he/she didn’t even tell you that your cage suit made you look NUDE! (*gasp*) Seriously. You almost look naked. Because you’ve hit the gym once or twice and look great it wasn’t terrible, but I’m sure that suit would have looked much prettier in tie-dye or neon (since we’re flashing back to MJ videos anyway).

And then the dancing. It was just… wrong.

And not just a little bit of wrong… it was a motha truckload of wrong! The clawing at your boobs move? Your crazy robot back bend (the Hubster’s personal favourite)? The weird “I’m-sooooo-flexible” shoulder and leg moves in the cage? It was like Cirque du Soleil meets Animal Safari.

*shakes head*

Shakie, darling, listen up–you’ve got wicked hip moves, but when those movements extend to the rest of your body, sadly, it just doesn’t work. The dancing was CRAZY, and not even a good crazy. It was more of an “I can’t believe this is actually the music video for this song” crazy. (Mind you, that was followed by an, “Oh wait, she howled in this song so maybe it works” moment.)

Next time stick with the hips–they won’t lie to you.

Much love,

P.s. I’m now on the hunt for other hilariously bad / funny music videos! What’s the one you love to mock / the one that makes you laugh?

P.p.s. The Hubster found some hilarious parodies of this song last night, but this was his favourite. I give you: The She Worf.

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