Upset*

I apologize in advance because I’m going to be brutally honest about some things in this post.

There are times when I cannot be around my family. I’m having one of those moments right. My sister just offended/hurt me so badly that I’m crying for the first time in about 3 months. I feel like she goes out of her way to make me feel like crap sometimes and I cannot understand why. I feel like we haven’t really had a relationship in years because I don’t think she understands me, and quite often I don’t understand her. We are very similar in some aspects, but are mostly completely opposite.

I am often the butt of jokes made by my family–it’s usually targeted at me or at my youngest brother. I am teased constantly about my weight and although I play along with it I’m really self-conscious about it. I know I’m a little over weight. I don’t need to be reminded about it constantly. I am told I’m ugly…. you name it, I’m teased about it. I swear, if I didn’t have the Hubster or my mom for positive reinforcement I think I’d have a serious complex. I’ve learned that I’m a lot more like my mother than I thought I was in being unable to tolerate a lot of teasing. I’m just not as confident with myself as I once was I guess.

My sister just barged in here to ask me basically what was wrong with me. She barged in without knocking which immediately made me put my guard up and I didn’t handle the situation as well as I should have. I’m still very upset and wasn’t able to talk so instead of talking I asked her (or I guess told her) to leave but instead she sat down and tried to force me to talk. I don’t do well with confrontation and wasn’t able to say what I felt. She immediately got defensive, probably with just cause, and because I wasn’t able to properly articulate what I felt, what I said probably came out badly, and she got upset.

I’m terribly for re-analyzing situations and wishing I had said things differently, or that things had taken a different route. If my sister had quietly told me that she was uncomfortable sitting elsewhere, which she disclosed to me later, or had even knocked before coming in here and had apologized (which I learned is a valuable thing to do, even if you think it’s not entirely your fault) things never would have escalated to the point that they did. At the same time, I could’ve completely avoided the fight by simply walking away and giving in to her, or by being the first to apologize when she barged in here. But things are how they are and I’ll deal with them later when I’m cooled off.

My mom and my other sister came in and we talked a while which made me feel better, and I also just got off the phone with my husband whom I love more than anything in the world. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him sometimes… he’s so patient with me, and he is the best listener. I never feel like he judges me, and he never passes criticism on me. He just loves me… and sometimes that’s exactly what I need. As I cried on the phone he listened carefully and told me that he loved me very much and was waiting with a huge hug for me when I came home. I don’t like being without him… he’s my rock.

I’ve realized that I just don’t handle confrontation or any sort of fighting well at all. In the 2 years that we’ve been together, the Hubster and I have never had what I’d call a fight. Sure, we’ve had differing opinions on lots of things, but we never let things get to the point where we “fight”. We talk about everything. Our little home is a very happy one, and so when confrontation arises, I freak out and handle things badly.

I’m tired.

Shop Girl*