It’s 10:30 and I’m not in Bed*

Hello October. :)

It’s been an insanely busy day. Monday has become the day where I shove a week’s worth of cleaning and chores into a few hours so it’s out of the way. Today was meal planning for the week and grocery shopping, then I cleaned the downstairs bathroom, vacuumed and washed the floors on my entire main floor, did laundry, washed all my cupboards and disinfected and cleaned every surface area in my living room.

I just finished making lunches and cleaning the kitchen, and I just have backpacks to pack and one more bathroom to clean before I call it a night. I’m tired, but for just a few minutes every Monday night, my house is clean, all at the same time. It’s so lovely and I bask in it while I lay comatose on the couch, wishing I had the energy to get into bed.

It’s lovely.

My brain is mush and I’m tired, but I overheard a conversation between S & H that I have to record before I forget it. They were arguing over some game they were playing in the living room, and as S was trying to control how the game was played, she somehow hurt H’s feelings. My sweet H is very sensitive and I heard him start to cry. I was in the kitchen, and S must have known that if I heard H crying I’d come in and interrupt (or possibly stop) the game she wanted to play. (It had something to do with tea cups and a blanket over the piano bench.) Not wanting to get in trouble, she immediately began trying to calm him down and console him. I hid around the corner and listened as she comforted him, then tried to get him back on her side. After telling him she was sorry and that everything was okay, she asked him a question, obviously expecting that her name would be the answer.

It wasn’t.

She said,

S: “H. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay! I’m sorry. Come on. Who loves you best?”

Without skipping a beat, H answered emphatically,

H: “Mommy.”

My heart grew three sizes in that minute, and while I desperately wanted to go smother him with a hug, I also didn’t want to interrupt the reconciliation between them. (I got my hug in later.) I often have days where I question everything and feel like I am am doing a terrible job at this parenting thing. It’s hard, exhausting and it’s so easy to doubt yourself when it seems like everyone else does it better. I’m getting better at not comparing myself to others, but it’s often hard to know if you’re doing all you can to raise your children well. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t worry about it sometimes… I think we all do. But in that moment, hearing H say that without any hesitation or doubt, I knew that I was doing at least one thing right. He knows he is loved… and if he is secure in that, then maybe we’re doing an okay job after all.

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