Shortly before 4pm yesterday, the principal from the school I interviewed at called me.
I knew that I didn’t have the job before he even finished saying hello.
He was quick to let me know that I had not been chosen for the job. He then went on to explain why, citing that I hadn’t been detailed or specific enough with my answers. He further explained that while I answered every question “correctly”, I hadn’t used enough personal examples or dropped enough “buzz words”. (Rubrics! Assessment!) He referred to the way I answered his question about how I would handle an angry parent who called in to complain about a mark I gave their son or daughter. While I answered the question correctly, I hadn’t used the right words. He wanted more details than I think I could have given, as I simply don’t have the experience.
I think that even though deep down I knew that that job wasn’t mine before I even left his office, hearing him say the words was so disappointing.
And honestly, it was very embarrassing for me.
Of all the schools in the board, I thought that this school was my way in. This was my way to something full-time. That the eight long months I spent volunteering there were not in vain. That this–my first real opportunity to show the principal that I’m a great teacher–would be my time to shine. He knows me. He knows my capabilities.
And it just wasn’t enough. Even though I know I shouldn’t see it as one, it felt like a failure. I felt like I had blown my shot to get my job.
In the brief 2 minute phone call, I could feel the pieces of my confidence being chipped away.
…but I didn’t cry. I thanked him, hung up the phone and did. not. cry.
But it did make me doubt.
This road to full-time employment as a teacher has been so unbelievably difficult, and even then I know that my path has been easier than it has for others who are still struggling to even get their foot in a door somewhere. I often feel so… small in this enormous world of teaching. There is so much that I don’t know, and I often feel incredibly inadequate. Will I ever learn everything I’m supposed to know?
So, I did what I always do when I need an outlet: I came here. I began looking back over my previous posts–my past–and examined my journey to where I am now as a teacher. As a person. As a writer.
And while I know I’ve accomplished so many wonderful goals, I sometimes feel like I’m stuck. I’ve been writing here for almost five years. Five years!! And yet, I feel like I’ve hit a plateau. I have such a solid, amazing group of readers who support me through thick and thin, but it’s like I can’t break through the glass wall that stands between me and my goal of writing professionally. I don’t know where to go next. I don’t know how to “grow” my blog and readership. I don’t know how to reach out to the world and tell them that I’m here.
I want it. I want it so badly.
When I see these writers who have been blogging for 6 months and already have 19283091 followers I’m completely flabbergasted. What are they doing that I’m not?
…I probably sound like the most self-centered person in the world right now. It’s just… I feel like my dreams of teaching and writing are laughing at me from a tall shelf that is just out of reach.
I try so hard to be patient…
…but sometimes it’s just so hard to wait.