Jack Bauer*

If you are a fan of 24, you will enjoy this. The Hubster found this somewhere and I just about died laughing. Enjoy!

Top Facts about Jack Bauer
The facts about Chuck Norris are impressive, but Jack Bauer has him beat hands down.

  1. If everyone on “24” followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12”.
  2. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  3. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  4. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  5. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
  6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  8. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
  9. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
  10. If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting killed.
  11. Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.
  12. Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three’s Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.
  13. On Jack Bauer’s say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.
  14. Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.
  15. Coffee cannot start it’s day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.
  16. GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.
  17. When in Jack Bauer’s presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
  18. Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic.
  19. Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in.
  20. Jack Bauer’s saliva is bullet-proof.
  21. After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,”Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me.”
  22. Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.
  23. Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day.
  24. Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.
  25. Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.
  26. The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer’s friends.
  27. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  28. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s f’ing beef.
  29. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  30. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
  31. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  32. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  33. Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using niether rock, paper nor scissors.
  34. Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
  35. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  36. Jack Bauer removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
  37. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “<>
  38. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
  39. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  40. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better freaking do it.
  41. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  42. When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
  43. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
  44. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  45. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
  46. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
  47. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
  48. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
  49. Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
  50. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
  51. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
  52. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
  53. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
  54. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
  55. Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests…. Jack Bauer doesn’t associate with anything that is #2.
  56. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
  57. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
  58. Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
  59. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards “The Man of Year*”, there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, ” *besides Jack Bauer.”
  60. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
  61. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
  62. If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don’t want to see what he’s about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you’re about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you’ve ever seen.
  63. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are for pansies.
  64. During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
  65. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
  66. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
  67. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
  68. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.
  69. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
  70. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
  71. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, “You’re in good hands with Jack Bauer”.
  72. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
  73. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
  74. Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.

Shop Girl*

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