Too Much of Something*

I recently reconnected with my first grade teacher– a woman who impacted me greatly even at the age of 6.

I found her on Facebook, and sent a request, hoping she might remember me. She definitely did, and thus began a beautiful friendship.

(Fun fact: I credit her with the fact that in my 36 years of life, I’ve never even held a cigarette. She made us put up our right hand a pledge to never try smoking, and to this day, I never have.).

Today, she posted this quote and I swear it was a sign from the universe.

A while ago I wrote about a dilemma I was having with a “hot and cold” friend. I was still on the fence about what to do about it, as we’re talking about a friendship that spans a number of years.

Regardless, the situation is that I still have to interact with this person. It’s just felt that more and more the interactions are feeling quite… abrupt. I went from feeling a chill on their side to feeling like it’s downright winter.

This week, I got a mix of curt directives with a side of being completely ignored.

As I stood in my shower today, I debated having it out with this person. I mentally wrote out the message, kindly asking what I had done to offend them, and what I could do to fix it.

And then I stepped out, picked up my phone, and saw this quote that my wonderful former teacher had posted on her wall… and I realized that this is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been making myself smaller to try and fit into this person’s life, when they clearly don’t want to make room for me.

And I think… I’m done.

I was ready to apologize to this person for just being… me. Feeling that who I am had somehow offended them. Questioning how to change myself to make this work.

But… that’s not how this is supposed to work. That’s not how a friendship works.

I can’t cut this person out of my life. But, I will stop making myself smaller for them. I’m done trying to extend olive branch after olive branch– at this point I feel like I’ve given half a tree.

I am who I am. I like who I am. (Mostly. Still working on that.) I think I’m a good person, even if I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.

I might always be too much of something for this person, but I’d rather be that than cut pieces of myself away to fit into a space where I’m not wanted.

My motto is always “You do you”.

I need to stand tall and let me be me, too… even if someone else doesn’t like it.