I haven’t been here in a while.

I started feeling a little overwhelmed in early August and I could feel myself drawing inward. It’s funny–at the moments when I probably have the most to write about, I find myself the most quiet. I been this messy ball of emotion these past few weeks and I couldn’t quite put a finger on what I was feeling. As I talked about it with my mom this weekend, I realized that it felt like: grief.

It feels like grief.

I expected this wave of relief to wash over me once I finally made the decision to homeschool this year… but it never came. I definitely feel it was the right decision for our family this year, and I feel at peace with that, but my thoughts about school have been in utter turmoil.

One part of me is excited to try this. I honestly think that if I can pull it off, it could be really great.

The other side is mourning the fact that this is where we are: I hate that this is our current reality. I get that I can’t change it, and that I probably need to let that go, but honestly… covid sucks. The end.

My heart has been so heavy as I’ve followed the news and talked with friends all over the province. Even through their optimism and hope, worries bleed through. How could they not? There is still so much that isn’t organized. So much that isn’t safe.

So much unknown.

I know somehow this will all work out. It has to. I refuse to believe otherwise. But oh… thinking about people I care about deeply walking back into situations where so much is out of their control has weighed heavily on my heart.

It’s the downside of being an empath, I think… but I can’t help it.

These are some of my favourite people on the planet. The people who have been with me through some of my highest highs and lowest lows. The ones who made me laugh again after my miscarraige. The ones who were there with me, picking up my pieces in the first moments after I learned that my friend had been killed in a car accident. They are more than just coworkers.

They are my friends.

My brother-in-law.

My big sister.

Thinking about them heading back into work this week has been heavy. Thinking about me not heading back into work with them this week has been heavy. I feel guilty feeling relieved when I have this option to stay home when so many others don’t. It feels a little like I’ve been at war with myself in my heart.

And so, I’ve been quiet.

I’m mourning what COVID has stolen from our education system. I’m mourning the fact that my children might not see their friends from school for a while. I’m mourning the fact that people I care about might get sick. I’m mourning the fact that I might not be doing a job that I love this year.

I know this is temporary. I know this will pass. I know there are so many bright sides… and I promise I do see them.

But I also know for this weight to feel a little less heavy I have to speak it out loud and send it off into the universe. I need to let go of the fear and let that space fill with light.

So that’s where I’ve been… it’s not been a particularly sunny place so I didn’t want to drag you all in with me. But I’m moving through it and holding on to the hope that everything will be okay. I feel ready to start planning my homeschool program now… and I’ll try hard not to feel guilty about it.

Even in the face of all this uncertainty, there’s still so much good.