My Rainbow Season*

I’ve been sitting here staring at my screen for the last 10 minutes wondering what to write about tonight.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I may or may not have had a Facebook scrolling session somewhere in the middle of that. But mostly staring, wondering and not knowing.

I feel almost blank tonight. Not in a bad way, just in that it was a bit of a lovely, unremarkable day. I took the kids to school, wandered around the grocery store, cleaned a bathroom and made sloppy joes for dinner. Tonight I blitzed my house so we can pretend that it’s sort of clean all the time when my friend comes to babysit tomorrow.

There was no one “moment” that stood out and gave me my Aha! moment–my “I will write about that” tonight.

There were no brown mittens today. (Thank heavens.)

P had one gigantic meltdown after dinner because I wouldn’t let him have a second kee-kaw (cookie), but we hugged it out and are friends again.

I feel like I’m in this happy place right now where I sort of know what I’m doing and am handling it all okay. Throwing work back into the mix has been interesting, but the crazy rush to get out the door in the morning aside, I really love it. I love being back in the classroom and having real conversations that require my brain with colleagues.

For a long time after P was born, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get here. As I paced my house with P for all hours of the night for his first 18 months, I would scroll Facebook and live vicariously through my friends who did magical things like going out with friends, getting dressed in pants that didn’t have elastic waistbands and, you know, sleeping. For such a long time it all felt so overwhelming I didn’t think I’d ever survive being a mom to three kids.

And yet, somehow, here I am. I’m not only surviving, but I love it. It’s hard and sometimes crazy but I really do have three of the best little toads in the world. I love that P is my sidekick and we get to hang out all day a few days a week. I’ve somehow settled into this new rhythm and found my balance again. During those long days and nights I wasn’t sure if I’d ever experience a lovely unremarkable day again.

But there is always a rainbow after a storm, and I will always be grateful for that.

I feel a bit like this happy, calmish period is my rainbow. I sometimes think of what I experience during P’s first year as a bit of a trauma–the Post Partum Anxiety, the lack of sleep, my never-ending issues with my back and hips… it was a lot. But it’s like I can physically feel my heart healing as each day passes and we thrive in our current routine.

I know there will be another curve ball or two in my future and I’ll have to figure things out again, but now I’m loving my rainbow season and I’m really grateful for it. <3