Moving Forward*

Thank you so much for all the messages and love that you sent after I posted about Ruby’s febrile seizure last week. A number of people have asked me how she is now, and I can honestly say that you would never know how unresponsive she was a week ago to see her today… right now we are in the backyard and she is using our little “fishing pool” to wet her feet so she can make foot paintings on our deck. She’s perfect. She has one more day of antibiotics from her ear infection, but she has been fever-free since last Friday.

I, on the other hand, am still adjusting. I think the experience of finding her in her bed like that has affected me more deeply than I first realized. I can’t quite describe the fear that coursed through my veins when I looked at my child and thought that she was dying. In those first minutes when she was choking and so unresponsive, before my brain kicked in and whispered “febrile seizure”, I don’t think I have ever been so afraid.

For the first day or two after it happened I must have checked on her 20 times every time I put her to sleep. I would sneak in, rip any covers off of her, check the temperature of her forehead, neck and chest and then watch her breathing for a minute to make sure she had a steady rhythm. Then I would slip out… until I heard her move ever so slightly on the monitor and the process would repeat.

I know it’s crazy, but I just… it’s been hard. I’m trying not to hover, and every day it gets a little easier. Yesterday was the first day that I forced myself not to check on her during her nap, and sure enough, she woke up completely fine. I may or may not have flown up the stairs last night when I heard her cough on the monitor, but she was fine then too. I know this fear will fade eventually, my struggle now is just not to let her see it until it does.

Anyway.

I’ve been so grateful to have a few quiet days at home this week. Last week was such a write off… both the kids were sick (at different times), Ruby had her seizure, the Hubster was dealing with some complications after some dental work, no one was sleeping and a host of other little things that cropped up. It got the point where the Hubster and I looked at each other on the weekend (after being up most of the night with a puking Hank) and said, “What else could possibly go wrong?”

Thankfully this week has been much, much different. After 7 of the most challenging days I’ve had since becoming a parent, I’ve enjoyed two blissfully quiet, relaxing days with the kids that reminded me why I love being at home. Right now I’m out on my deck  enjoying the sunshine and a gentle breeze, watching my kids laugh and play together. If I could have a few more days like today I think I would actually feel ready for this baby to come.

Which is why I’ve been doing everything possible to keep this child in my belly for just a few more days. Despite my best efforts thus far, I can definitely tell that things are happening. I’ve felt nauseous and achy, and a little like I have the flu… much like I did in the days before Hank was born. The baby has definitely dropped, and I had some intense pressure and contractions that I thought may have been the real deal late last night.

Thankfully, after an intense conversation with this wee man in my belly, he quieted down and gave me another day… and hopefully more. I haven’t had any more contractions today, but it’s like I can feel in my gut that my time before he arrives is running short. I’m not actually due until the 26th, but I’m really not convinced that I’m going to make it that far. Keep your fingers crossed for me… this mama could use a few more quiet days before the madness begins anew. :)