Looking In*

Hi dears.

I know I’ve been… quiet this month. It’s been a hard couple of weeks for me, and I knew that my writing would reflect a lot of the emotions I was feeling, and I just didn’t want to pour that all here.

I’m not quite sure how to begin what I want to write without making it sound like I’m being incredibly insecure and sorry for myself.

In a way, I know that I am.

But August was certainly a month of highs and lows for me, and I found myself on a roller coaster with too many dips. Let me explain:

A few weeks ago I confessed my fear of having people over, and how I’m taking steps to conquer it. For a while there, I felt like I was finally overcoming this irrational fear. I hosted both “big” parties, as well as casual dinners with friends and I felt like each was successful.

At the root of everything: I felt confident and comfortable in my group(s) of friends.

It’s no secret that I’ve always had trouble making / keeping girl friends, and I know I’m not alone. The response I had to my initial post about it was overwhelming, so I know many of you feel the same way I did.

I finally felt like I was overcoming it.

…then this month happened. It began kind of slowly: friends cancelling lunch plans at the last minute. Then an invitation I extended to another friend to come over one night was completely ignored. Then 75% of the guests who had confirmed they were coming to a get together I hosted either bailed at the last minute, or just didn’t show up at all.

I get that people are busy, but really? Not even a word to let me know?

And then lastly, my beloved little book club kind of… fell apart. It’s been on the rocks for a few months as each of us has gone through changes in our lives, but this month they officially decided that it was time to space out our get togethers. I’m trying to be realistic, but I am so sad about it. I counted on that one evening every month, even more so now that the wee-bean occupies so much of my day.

I know it sounds like I’m being a bit dramatic–I blame the hormones. But I suddenly found myself feeling a little like a leper.

I realized more than ever just how much I count on these get togethers and outings, as casual as they may seem.

Because I sometimes find that being a mom is really lonely.

How is that even possible, you ask? Don’t I have a small, perfect, cute wee-bean to spend my whole day with? Of course. And I love her with every fiber of my being.

But sometimes I need to go out to connect with the other parts of my self–the parts that don’t revolve around naps, poop, and the mountain of housework that I feel like I fail at every day.

I need to talk about books, the news, celebrity gossip and TV shows to carry me through the next stressful parts of motherhood.

I need those nights to look forward to, so that in those stressful, hard moments I don’t feel so completely alone.

And that’s really what August has been for me: lonely.

With all the changes that I’ve been through in the last year, it feels like things have shifted somehow. I’m not quite sure how to fix things, to be honest: I’m a bit burnt out. I feel like I’ve been pushing and trying too hard, and which is why everything that happened this month felt like such a personal blow to me.

So, I’m not entirely sure where to go from here.

Again I find myself in the same place I was three years ago. I know some seriously incredible people… yet I still feel a bit like I’m standing on the outside looking in.

It’s just… hard.