Feeling Quiet*

So, I’ve been a little quiet.

It’s been a trying few weeks, and I just knew that the spark wouldn’t be in my writing, so I decide to take a time-0ut. Honestly, so far 2013 hasn’t been shaping up to be a banner year. I know it’s only January, but among other things, Ruby has already been sick twice, I was in a car accident and wrote off our family vehicle (no injuries), and today I just received news that I didn’t get the job I interviewed for last week.

I try hard to be a positive person, and really–there has been a bright side to each of the things that has happened this month–but getting the call telling me that I was not the successful candidate for a position at the school I’ve put my heart and soul into for two years was crushing.

And this morning I broke down.

The hardest part of all of this, is that with each new trial I felt my confidence chipping away. My confidence as a driver, as a caregiver and mother, and now, as a teacher. And this morning I had a moment where I doubted myself in all of it.

These past few weeks I’ve really been reflecting on the nature of life and how it continues to change as I progress further into adulthood. I feel… unsure of myself. Not that I ever knew what life had in store for me, but I felt like I had a plan. A path to follow. And these past few weeks have made me question the road I’m on.

Every so often it seems like I have a year that challenges me in every way possible. While it’s sometimes excruciating to go through it, I have always looked back on those trying years with gratitude for the things I’ve learned and experienced, as I know I can’t always see the bigger picture when I’m standing in the middle of it.

I have a feeling like I might be entering into another one of those years–I can feel something restless stirring deep within my bones. It’s moments like this when I cling to the mantra from one of my favourite books:

“I will persist until I succeed.” –Og Mandino

So, that’s where I’m at. It’s been a hard couple of weeks, but I know things can only look up from here.

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10 Comments

  • Lacey

    I have this following quote posted at my desk at work:
    “You have within you, right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you” (not sure where this originally came from)
    It seemed like a fitting quote for you given the difficult time you are going through. I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, don’t let these setbacks affect your confidence. Each day is a new day and we choose how to live it, remain confident that you are on the right path and that your opportunity is just around the corner!

  • anon

    I agree with Lacey. We are all stronger than we think but in moments like this, its important to rely on your faith and focus on what you can do to change things and try to better yourself. There’s a lesson in everything we do. For instance, with the job, did they give you feedback on why you weren’t successful? Take that feedback and be a stronger teacher. But, if they said something that was out of your control (the other person had more experience) then try not to dwell on it and keep faith that better opportunities are ahead.

  • Stephanie "Mama" Hayes

    Oh dear! That is a lot to go through. You are strong. Sometimes things get poopy before they get back in order. I’m glad you’re ok. I was in a car accident (really minor) back in Vancouver, and I haven’t driven since. I feel like a total failure in that category. Right now Rowan is doing this screaming thing where he is hysterical before he goes to sleep and it seems like NOTHING soothes him. Not even the boob. I feel horrible knowing I can’t soothe him. Matt has a shit job and I don’t know what’s in store after the summer for us. But I just know that we’ve been here before and that if we really focus on our goals and where we’d like to be, we’ll get there. Don’t take the job thing too personally. This is just another turn in your amazing adventure. You are strong! You can do it! *hugs*

  • Robin MacLean

    that is seriously one crummy start to a year. I agree though the hardest things always turn out to be the best, but honestly they suck. and car accidents stink sooo bad!!!

  • Shop Girl*

    Thanks Steph, I appreciate that. And I’m sorry you’re going through a bit of a rough patch– hang in there. I hope Rowan gets through this phase quickly!

  • Shop Girl*

    I know that you’re right, but sometimes it’s hard to see the sun through the fog… you know? I’ll find my perspective eventually, today was just a rough day on top of a less than stellar month.

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