Miscarriage
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More Than Just Black Pants*
Today I closed this lid for the last time. I’ve been in and out of this tote since I started showing, almost exactly a year ago today. This weekend I cleaned out and purged my closet, ready to pull put most of my “regular clothes” as I packed away the last of my maternity ones. I found one rogue top today, and tucked it into the bin before sealing the top. It felt really exciting. It felt good. …but it also made me take pause, and brought back a rush of memories. The last time I had to put these clothes away, it wasn’t because I wanted to. It was…
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I haven’t forgotten you.
September 30th is a bit of a hard day for me. It’s the due date for the child I carried for 13 weeks. The child I miscarried at 13 weeks. The child I loved for 13 weeks… and every day since. Today, she would have been two… so, I baked a cake. It just felt right. We really only ever have cake on special occasions, and I know that the kids will be so excited to see it after dinner. They won’t know why we’re having cake, but I will. It’s for you. So, tonight we will have cake. I’ll listen to your siblings laugh around the table and think…
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All of my Children*
Ever since my miscarriage, I have searched for a way to represent my whole family… including the child we lost at 13 weeks. I don’t have any belly photos. No bump updates. No physical reminders that that baby was here. There are just memories, impressions, feelings and love. So much love. She was so loved. She IS so loved. I never knew for sure, but it felt so strongly that the baby we lost was a girl. And even though she isn’t here with us, she is still a part of our family. I have to believe that even though I wasn’t able to hold her here… I will someday.…
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How many children do you have?
I’m often asked this question. It’s usually by old friends or acquaintances I haven’t seen in a while, or by new friends and people I meet in our new town. The thing is, I always struggle to answer it. I know what the “comfortable” answer is. The easy answer is what they can see. Four. I smile and say that I have four children. Usually that’s enough to have someone raise their eyebrows and say, “Oh wow! What a big family!”. And we are. We are a big family. …but for me, we’re a little bigger. And as we head into September each year, I feel it a little more…
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Dear Body,
I was cursing you a little bit this morning. As I began a slow jog in my neighborhood, I felt an old familiar pain creep into my hip. Frustrated that that pain had the audacity to come back after taking a week off and stretching like mad, I just kept going. I want so badly to be able to do this again, so I ignored the signs you giving me to tell me to slow down. My head keeps reminding me that I was easily running 7km this time last year. I was so proud of that accomplishment. …but I am not the same person I was last summer. This…