I think that I need to retreat for a little while.

Sharing your life online is a funny thing. There is so much about it that I love– the connection and community that has come from it has been invaluable to me in so many ways. I often joke that this is my therapy, and somehow knowing that there are kindred spirits in the world reading my ramblings makes me feel less alone in the ups and downs of my life.

…but there are hard parts too. I know that I share so much, but even with all that I do, it’s still only a small window into my life. Into my heart. Sometimes it’s hard putting all of that on the table, not knowing how others perceive it or judge it.

There are times when that doesn’t bother me at all, but I’m human, and an imperfect one at that. Sometimes my anxiety rages and I’m more sensitive to it than I care to admit.

I feel a bit like I’m standing at a great fork in the road of my life, and I’m not sure where I should go next. W, my last baby, is almost six months old, which means that in another six months, I’ll have to start making some decisions about my career. There are moments where I feel so sure that I was meant to be a teacher, and others where I question if I am any good at it at all. I certainly never expected to be “starting” my career as a permanent teacher at almost 40… but here I am. And that’s okay. I made choices and things happened the way they did for a reason. I believe that. But still… here I am.

I’m not sure what I want out of this, out of my writing. For the last few months I’ve felt a bit… lost. Like I’ve lost my focus. (Aren’t those early postpartum months glorious for that?)

I’ve been struggling with feeling a little more sensitive than usual. A little more vulnerable. A little more unsure of my purpose here. Unsure of what purpose this is serving.

At the heart of this, I’m not sure what I want. I’m not sure what I want.. for me.

I’m okay, I promise. I think I just need to draw inward for a minute and have a big think… and that’s easiest for me when I am quiet and cocoon myself. I’m going to step off all my social media platforms and press pause for a month, and go from there.

(Except messenger. I’ll always be there!)

I’ll be back in December. Just like a Hallmark movie, we’ll be together for Christmas.

See ya later, alligator.

–H