I Can’t Predict This Ending*

I haven’t felt like I’ve had much to write about lately.

I think my brain has just been running non-stop with all of off this school stuff that it’s sort of shut down and doing a massive reboot. It’s strange… even though the decision is made and the forms are in, I still feel this ominous presence looming in front of me as September approaches.

It’s not about homeschooling, I still feel at peace with that. I can’t quite put my finger on what is leaving me feeling so unsettled… I guess it feels like we’re about to turn a page in the next chapter of Life with Covid and for once, I can’t predict the twists or turns in this story. I can’t flip to the last page to cheat and see how this ends.

It was grocery day today. I’m still doing online pickup, though I have been back inside a grocery store twice in the last few weeks. Baby steps, right?

As I sat in my van waiting for my order to be brought out, I saw a family pull up and park one row across from me. The parents got out and pulled their two kids from the back seat, then they all went into Walmart together.

It looked so… normal.

We haven’t been family shopping like that since January. M caught on to what was happening elsewhere in the world before I was really ready to see it, but we began only taking the kids out on essential trips a few weeks before everything shut down. As I sat there and watched the family walk into the store today, I realized that I could not remember the last time we had done that.

It felt so strange. To realize that such a normal thing now feels so absolutely abnormal to me. The kids have been out with us on smaller, quick outings… but to grocery shop as a family? It’s easily been at least six months.

It just made think… when will this feel normal again? When will I feel safe enough to haul my entourage into the store with me? The not knowing is hard sometimes. Most of the time I try to only look at one day at a time because this all feels too big if I don’t.

This week I think I am feeling it all a little more keenly than I have been lately, I guess. Ebbs and flows, right?

Maybe I just need to lose myself in a bit of light for a bit. Escape to the world of Mr. Darcy or Gilbert Blythe.

After all, tomorrow is always fresh… with no mistakes in it.