Decisions, Decisions*

After I wrote my last post, I spent an inordinate amount of time stressing about whether or not P really had Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease and whether or not I should call in and cancel my afternoon of work. It was the only day I had been booked this week, and after I put P down for his nap I began to worry that I had overreacted. That maybe it’s wasn’t really HFMD, and that I had imagined the blisters.

Well, he woke up a hot mess and has several more blisters today, so it’s official. I couldn’t even get shoes on him this morning, he just cried and said, “Ouchie!” when I tried to put anything on his feet. He finally decided that he was okay with his boots, so I was at least able to get something to cover his toes on our walk to school. Poor kid. He was in good spirits today all things considered, and I went on a emergency run to get popsicles and freezies last night to help his sore mouth. We had a quiet home day playing toys and watching Blaze, and I can’t complain about the extra snuggles.

So, staying home today ended up being the right call… but I still spent most of last night second guessing myself. I have really realized lately that I struggle with having confidence in the decisions I make. I’m so afraid that I’ll make the wrong decision, that I tend to lean on others to help me decide, or to make the decision for me altogether. It’s not that I can’t make a decision, it’s that rethink it over and over, and constantly question whether or not it was the right one. I hate that I do it, and I feel like it’s probably really unhealthy. I’m not sure how to improve on this, but I’m trying to be more aware of it and to just accept the consequences of the decisions I make, both good and bad.

The one decision that I haven’t really questioned was my choice not to pursue full-time work. I struggled before I made the decision, but for me it’s been one of those rare occasions where I’ve been totally at peace with it, and I feel like it’s been affirmed for me over and over. Last week I had H home for three days with a fever and nasty cough, and this week I’m at war with HFMD in my house. I know I would have been a stressed out basket case trying to figure out how to stay home with my sick babies while juggling a full course load. I’m so grateful that I can be home right now. I know that it was the right decision for our family in every corner of my heart, and it is such a relief to feel that way. I wish I could have this kind of feeling with all the decisions I make, but I’m happy to have it for this one at least.

Anyway.

This was totally not the direction I thought this post was going to go, but that’s just the magic of writing, isn’t it? I start off recounting my day and end up questioning my inner workings.

I need to go to bed.