Looking for Peace*

I’ve been wrestling with something lately.
(Sorry, this is a bit of a long one.)

It feels a little like I’m at war with myself.

One half pushing for the things I feel that I “should” do because it’s expected of me, and I hate feeling like I’ve let anyone down. The side that always says “yes” because it’s easier than dealing with the discomfort that can come with saying no.

The other side is quieter. It knows my heart better. It knows my limits. My anxiety. It understands that what is right for me may not be the same for someone else. It bucks trends or expectations and focuses on the things that bring me peace… but it comes with the weight of potentially disappointing others.

Then first side is louder.

I’ve spent years letting it be. I am a people pleaser. I know that. I struggle with any kind of confrontation, and knowing that I may have disappointed or offended someone is really difficult for me.

So I carefully avoid confrontation of any kind because it feels “easier”. I take what I perceive to be the path of least resistance, even if I know deep down that that it’s more likely to be a path of “increased resistance” for me. Somehow that seems easier than the possibility of disappointing someone or not doing what is expected of me.

It’s not always a bad thing. Growth can come when we are pushed outside of our comfort zones. I have grown.

…but it often comes with a cost.

It’s heavy sometimes, and I’m not always as strong as I pretend to be.

The other side is always there, quietly whispering in my heart when something isn’t right for me. It’s gotten louder as I’ve gotten older, forcing me to evaluate what is truly important in my life. Forcing me to recognize that this people pleasing behavior isn’t healthy. Isn’t sustainable.

That I will inevitably disappoint others. That not everyone will like me, or understand me, or agree with me.

And that’s… okay.

I have to do what is right for me… and that might not be the same as what’s right for you.

(Or you.)

I’m learning to be okay with saying “no”. No doesn’t mean “never”, it sometimes just means “not right now”.

I’m learning to stop comparing my life to others. Just because something doesn’t seem hard to someone else, doesn’t mean it isn’t hard for me.

I’m learning to honour my feelings. To trust my gut. To wait for personal revelation. To have faith in what I feel is right for me.

I’m learning that doing what’s right for me doesn’t make me selfish.

I’m learning that not everyone will agree with or understand my choices.

I’m learning that they don’t have to. Those choices are mine, and it’s okay if others choose differently.

I’m learning to choose the things that bring peace, not take it.

I’m learning that if something costs you your peace…

…it’s too expensive.