I haven’t been here in a while.

I don’t really have a reason or excuse, I just found that as I was dealing with everything last spring, I needed to write often… and it was just easier to do that right in my Facebook group. I think I desperately needed the connections and support, and “micro-blogging” and sharing memes helped somehow.

Lately I’ve been feeling a pull to come back here–to buckle down and get serious about a few things again. I feel a little like a meme I saw once: my brain feels like an internet browser with too many tabs open, random pop-ups everywhere (some of which are frozen) and there is annoying music playing and I can’t make it stop. I feel flighty and distracted all. the. time and it’s not like me.

I’ve had something on my mind for weeks, and in this analogy it would be that annoying music that never stops playing. I’ve been thinking about it and half-heartedly attempting it for months, but I think I’m ready to go all in… and I know I won’t do it if I don’t say it out loud. Soooo, here goes:

I’m overweight and I need to get some bad health habits under control.

Even though I *wanted* it before, I don’t think I was really ready. I’ve still been using food as my comfort through the trials of this year, and even though I successfully stopped eating chocolate again for six weeks, I went right back on two weeks ago when I went through another really intensely emotional weekend. It’s hard. This year has been a hard one, and I’ve watched my weight steadily increase with each trial. I’m not beating myself up about it, but I also have reached a point where I don’t want to do this anymore and I feel ready to make a change.

So, I’m going to get real and lay it all on the table. Over the past seven months, I’ve gained twenty pounds. At least. Some of it was from the pregnancy, a lot of it was from the trauma of the miscarriage and Elise’s death. Even though I spent the summer running, I didn’t lose a single pound. My body feels heavy and sluggish, and I just want to feel comfortable and confident in my clothes again.

Here are the things that I need to work on:

1. Stop eating mindlessly at night.
2. Eat healthy, balanced meals. Cookies are not a healthy breakfast.
3. Work out. I am the best at making excuses. It needs to stop.
4. Stop eliminating foods and learn moderation.
5. Stop buying clothes to hide my body.

So here’s what I’m going to focus on for the next 30 days.

1. No snacking after 7pm. Period. I don’t need it.
2. Meal plan for myself. I do it for everyone else… time to make myself a priority too.
3. Workout at least four times a week. Run when I can.
4. Limit myself to TWO treats a day. It’s up to me what they are and when I eat them, but only two per day. If I make cookies for the kids, only eat two. I need to learn that I can always have more tomorrow–I don’t need to eat ALL THE THINGS right now.
5. No clothing shopping for 30 days.
6. Write. Every day.

Today is day one. I had a healthy breakfast, and I added a salad to my lunch. I desperately was craving cookies, but I made a hot chocolate and came here instead. Still a treat, but more filling and fewer calories. It feels good to be in control of my habits, instead of feeling like they are controlling me. I hope this sticks. I did what I needed to survive last spring, but I want to feel good about my body again. I want to feel strong and confident, and I’m ready to work for it.

Here we go!