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I’m ready for May.
It’s been a month since my miscarriage. Actually, yesterday was the one month mark but I felt a little too raw to write about it. It’s strange… I sometimes get in these moods where I feel deeply like I need to write to process and sort out my feelings, but at the same time I just… can’t. I feel like I’ve been in a weird head space these past few days. Sometimes it feels like what happened to me was just this awful dream. I know it happened, but it all just feels so surreal. I can’t even begin to describe how strange it is to be pregnant and planning…
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Today was a hard day.
We went to church this morning for the first time since we lost the baby. I couldn’t have tolerated it physically at first, and last week as a special weekend where we hold a world wide general conference, so there were no regular services at our building. Emotionally, I’ve had a good week. I feel like I’m getting stronger and aside from feeling a little sad or misty-eyed, I hadn’t cried in a few days. Work has been a good distraction, despite feeling like I am completely buried in marking. Physically, it’s been slow and steady. I am so beyond ready to put this behind me, but I’m on day…
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I Had a Dream*
I think the hardest part of having a miscarriage is not being able to know why it happened. I’m doing my best to stay out of my head and not feel weighted by guilt, but it’s hard. Having a concrete reason for why this happened–why the baby stopped growing–would provide so much closure for me. But those answers just aren’t there. When I first found out that there was no heartbeat, they told me the gestational age of the fetus, which gave me an approximate time range for when the baby had actually died. I did what I think most people do: I began raking through my brain for every.…
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A Small Bit of Closure*
I’m going back to work on Monday. Part of me is nervous that physically, I’m not ready yet. I think I am. I hope I am. My iron levels and blood pressure are still really low, but I can finally move around and walk without pain. I can also be on my feet for decent chunks of time without feeling woozy, and I can almost move from sitting to standing in a fluid motion. I still need my special tailbone pillow, and it might be the fluid motion of an 80 year old with arthritis, but I can stand up without too much pain. That’s a win. The bigger part…
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Seven Days Later.
The calendar tells me it’s been a week since everything happened, though most of it feels like a blur. Even now just writing that I still find I struggle to say the actual words: I had a miscarriage. Honestly, all the descriptors for miscarriages are awful: spontaneous abortion, fetal demise, losing a baby… no wonder no one wants to talk about it. It’s been seven days and I finally feel like I am recovering physically. I’ve had two follow-ups with my doctor in the past week, one on Friday and one yesterday. I learned that my hemoglobin levels are still extremely low, but they are stable for now. A regular,…
