Nashville & Forgotten Dreams*

I’m trying to make myself rest while the kids nap each day.

I find that my legs are swelling to the point that my skin hurts if I don’t put my feet up for a while each day, so even though there are often a billion things I could be doing around the house, I rest.

Napping is pretty much out of the question as these days as if I sleep during the day, it makes it even harder to fall asleep at night. So, I’ve been spending my time reading or catching up on all the shows I’ve missed over the last several months.

The other day nothing I had on hand was appealing, so I decided to try watching Nashville after it was recommended by a few friends. I am a huge fan of Friday Night Lights, so when I learned that the lead actress was none other than Tami Taylor, I figured it was worth a shot.

Well, I am three episodes in and am already hooked. I love the cast and the music, and obviously it wouldn’t be fab without a little drama. But it’s the whole singer-song writer element of the show that really speaks to me.

You see, many, many moons ago, that was my dream. I spent much of my youth writing poetry, and then when I was 16 or 17 I started putting it to music. I would spend hours sitting at my piano trying to find the right melody for each piece. I’m not sure that any of them were any good, but there were a few that I was sort of proud of. I took every opportunity to perform–I sang at school, community and church functions, joined choirs and performed both with my sister and also sang solos. I know my vocal range is not as extensive as others, but I’ve also been told that I have a gift and singing has always been something I have loved.

When I moved away to university and then got married, my access to a piano was limited, and I found other interests. The Hubster bought me a piano early on in our marriage, but when the reality of how hard it is to make it in the music business kicked in, I let my fears take over and stopped writing. Between work and growing our family, over the last 10 years I also slowly stopped seeking out opportunities to sing. I let my fears that I wasn’t as good as others chip away at my confidence, and as teaching became my new passion, I let music slip away into the shadows.

Now all that I have left is a notebook full of ideas and lyrics that I wrote over 10 years ago. I made a few recordings way back when, but I gave most of them to my then boyfriend and didn’t keep any copies for myself. Every so often I feel the pull to start playing and writing again, but then life gets in the way and I never seem to make it a priority.

Watching this show is making me feel that pull to write and play once again. My sister recently reignited her love of music, and is now performing all over her hometown. She began by joining a choir, which lead her to rediscover playing her guitar and eventually writing her own music. She recently performed in front of several hundred people in Toronto and I was SO proud of her. She has since joined a band, and best of all, she has made videos of her singing and playing and is fearlessly sharing them with the world.

She’s amazing. I’ve been so inspired watching her, and it makes me want to get up and do something. I just keep thinking… if she can be so brave, why can’t I?

Part of me wants to record a video of one of my old songs and just post it. Get over my fears and do something brave.

Another part of me is afraid of what people will say and think if I do. It’s hard to get those doubts out of your mind when they have taken such deep root. The worst part is that no one has ever said anything incredibly negative to me–it’s all in my head. I am my own worst critic. *sigh*

Anyway.

I miss music, and Nashville is great. The end.