On Honest Writing*

Sometimes I can’t decide what type of blogger / writer I want to be.

I continually go through these different phases  trying to “find myself” as a writer in this little happy place.

There are days when I’m so full of ideas that writing seems effortless and everything just flows from my fingertips. Then there are days when even rehashing the events of the previous few hours seems impossible.

And then I have days where I sit and think about what I’m writing, and while it takes me a little longer, I end up with a post like this one–something that I am immensely proud of, even with its imperfections.

And then I think, that’s who I want to be. It wasn’t the just topic, or the words that I want–it’s the connection. The passion.

The response I received from my post about teaching was entirely unexpected, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. People I never expected to read my little blog came out of the woodwork and told me how much they enjoyed reading it.

So I got to thinking–what was so different about that post from all the others?

For me, a comment from the lovely Miss Gentle Nudge summed it up nicely:

Absolutely LOVED this post!!! While I like all your updates about anything really…because really I’m your biggest fan haha, I love that you opened up. I know it’s kind of hard for you to do sometimes, but when you do it’s amazing and knowing you outside of this blog, it makes those who don’t, better understand you.

I spend so much of my life being afraid. Seriously. I am constantly aware of how people are perceiving me and want to be liked by everyone.

Yup. I’m one of those people. I shy away from conflict  or controversy if I even think I might be involved with something that could hurt or offend someone else, and that includes my writing.

Even with my last post, I felt the twinges of concern that maybe I could offend someone with what I wrote.

Heaven forbid, what if someone doesn’t think or feel the same way I do?!

(I mean seriously, could I be more self-involved? sheesh.)

I need to learn to let go a little. I need to open up. There’s so much swirling around in my brain that I would love to write about, but I always hold myself back. I tend to shy away from topics that are really personal to me, because I know that not everyone will feel the same way I do and I’m afraid that a conflicting opinion could shake my own convictions.

But here’s the thing: I know I’ll never become a really great writer unless I test the waters a little.

Rather, unless I let you test me a little.

So, I’m going to try and be a little more honest. I’m going to try to let you in a little more, beyond the surface updates.

Don’t worry–I’m not about to go all deep, dark and twisty on you, but I do think I need to challenge myself a little more as a writer than I have been of late.

So. I’m not exactly sure what’s going to come in the next few posts, but I’m excited.

And nervous.

Here we go!

(Is there anything you’d like to hear more about?)