So, my last post was a bit of a doozy.
When I sat down and started writing, I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to say. My emotions and thoughts just poured out, and when I reached the end and reread what I had written, I almost deleted it all.
But I’m really glad that I posted it. I’ve had a number of people contact me and tell me that they’ve been feeling / have felt the same way, and it’s been wonderful hearing some of their experiences.
For me, writing is very cathartic. It’s usually how I deal with those big things that are bothering me, and then I’m just one of those crazy people who then shares those feelings with the internet. It’s terrifying–sharing something personal, then having no idea what the reaction will be, or how people will perceive what you’ve written. So, to everyone who contacted me or commented–thank you. It’s those messages that make everything worth it.
I want to let you all know that I’m okay. Really. I’m not depressed, or even sad about my life. When I was trying to put my feelings into words the other night, “unsettled” was the best word I could think of to describe how I’ve been feeling. I just haven’t felt 100% myself, and it took me a really long time to figure out why.
When I finally realized what has been bothering me, I simply decided to stop dwelling and just do something about it. Writing it all down here was simply my way of affirming to myself that it was the right choice for me.
The simple truth is that I’ve spent far too long examining the lives of everyone else around me. I’ve been looking outside myself to set a “bar” for success, and when I didn’t hit it, I was… disappointed. In myself. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong, and why I couldn’t measure up to the same successes everyone else seemed to have in their lives.
A good friend of mine sent me a quotation that nailed what I’ve been doing right on the head:
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” – Steve Furtick
I have spent far too long dwelling on highlight reels of everyone around me, and I know much of it comes from Facebook’s newsfeed. So, for me, the best solution I could think of was the simplest one: stop looking.
I’m sure I’m missing out on all kinds of wonderful news and photos, but the time I was wasting there I’m trying to put to good use elsewhere.
Like here, for example.
Somewhere along the way I stopped doing so many things that I am so passionate about. I don’t write nearly as often as I should, my beautiful piano sits untouched, and I don’t exercise nearly as often as I ought to.
Every so often I feel a need to “find myself” once again. I think that that is the challenge 2013 has held for me… to stop spending so much time focusing on everyone else, and to let go of all the insecurities that have left me feeling like a lesser version of the person I want to be.
Of the person that I am.
Maybe those feelings that started stirring last January took hold because this needs to be my year of acceptance. Accepting that I am not perfect, nor am I meant to be. What matters is that I am happy. That my family is happy.
That I am doing my best.
And accepting that even if my best doesn’t look the same as someone else, then that’s okay.
I’m different… I’m me. And that’s enough. :)