I want to talk about something I’ve really been struggling with, to the point that I’m ready to talk to my doctor about it. I’m hoping that owning up to my struggle will help me finally find some motivation to do something about it.
I’ve had a hard time losing weight. I am fully aware that it can take a year or more to get your body back to where it was pre-baby, but a few months ago I hit a plateau and have made no progress. There are a couple of reasons for this.
First being, I’m not exercising. I’ll own it. I’m great at talking about it and setting goals, but I have found it incredibly difficult to find the time, energy and motivation to actually do it. I am a morning exerciser. I always have been. Unfortunately, the Hubster is back at work and is gone until 4:30pm each day. By the time he gets home I am basically… spent. Then there is dinner to get through, as well as settling the wee-bean. When all is said and done I can barely sit up, let alone think about exercising. This in itself is going to be another post, so I don’t want to delve too much into this yet.
I’m struggling with something that I’m not sure how to control.
I crave sugar. All the time.
Everyone does, right? Well, I crave it to the point where it feels like I can’t think about anything else. It feels like an addiction, and I sometimes feel like I can’t focus on anything else until I’ve satisfied the craving. And I find that it’s taking more and more to satisfy my cravings, and as much as I don’t want to eat the things I am, I’m not quite sure how to stop.
Even as I wrote that, I could hear the judgmental voice in the back of my head saying, “If you want to stop, just do it. No one is forcing you to have bad habits.”
…except that I often feel like I can’t control it. I’ve always loved sweets, but I always have had some semblance of portion and self-control over what I ate.
I don’t feel like I have that anymore. The cravings get so intense that if there is nothing in my house to satisfy them, I can’t think about anything else until I find myself baking something to dispel the craving.
It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to break it.
A huge part of me has become intensely self-critical, and I fully blame myself for my excess weight and poor eating habits. The other side of me desperately wants to believe that it’s not just me and there has to be something off… somewhere.
And the honest to goodness truth? I’m unhappy. I amashamed of my body. I was so proud of my pregnant belly and how well I took care of myself while I was pregnant.
Now I hide behind baggy clothes and try not to study myself in mirrors.
It’s hard, you know? In my mind I still want to see myself as the in-shape, semi-fit woman I was seven years ago, but at the same time I feel like that version of myself is long, long gone. Now I am thirty pounds overweight, sitting at my computer trying desperately not to eat the sugary thing my body is currently demanding.
In my head I think, I’ll fix this tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll go for a run, eat really well and take a big leap towards my fitness goals.
And the thing is, I really do want to do that. But tomorrow always comes, and with it comes a lack of motivation and cravings more intense than the day before.
So, I’m hoping that finally speaking about it will help me actually do something about it. I’m hoping that opening up about what I’m struggling with will help keep me honest.
I’m hoping for change.