I’m still a little new to this whole new wordpress thing, but I have to admit… I reeeeeeeally like it. I’ve been flip flopping back and forth for months about whether or not to make the switch and I finally decided to take the plunge. I flirted with it briefly last fall when I tried the whole password-protected blog bit (to hide from my students) but I was so concerned with the hiding part that I didn’t actually explore wordpress.
I explored this weekend. My lovelies, I am converted.
So, why the change you ask? Especially when my posting has been sporadic (at best) of late? *cringe*
A while ago I joined the oh-so fabulous formspring.me and then left it alone. I logged in today and found this:
“Why do you never blog anymore?”
…I didn’t know what to answer. I still don’t. Last fall I lost… it. The drive. The inspiration. The magic. I’ve always loved writing, but some how the love just sort of fell away. I kept reading about all the excitement in your lives and I suppose I felt like I just didn’t have anything left to say. Somewhere along the way I realized that life has dealt me a hand I never expected and I’m in a place I never thought I’d be.
As a teenage girl I always imagined where my life would be at 25. I hoped I would be married, in a successful career with time to focus on beginning a professional writing career on the side. I saw myself living in a cute little house with lots of friends to go out with. I thought life would be full. Exciting! Successful.
When I graduated last spring I knew that finding a teaching position in southern Ontario would be difficult, but nothing could have prepared me for the past eight months. My inability to secure a teaching position has slowly but surely chipped away at my sense of self-confidence, self-worth and has often left me wondering if I have chosen the wrong career path.
…but then I have those moments teaching those students (who aren’t even really my students) and, even if just for a second, I remember why this career chose me. And I remember that I love teaching with every fiber of my being, and even though it’s emotionally exhausting, I keep trying. And waiting. And then waiting some more. And I go work at my little part-time job that often makes me feel like it’s sucking out all the knowledge I spent years cramming into my head because it is so mind-numbing. And I go to my french classes every week even though by the time Thursday gets here I’m so exhausted I can barely stand the thought of being out for another evening. And I spend all my other time volunteering at a high school on the tiny chance that there might be a job there for me next year. And while that thought is beyond exciting, the thought that that it is ever so remote and ever so many months away is sometimes so overwhelming that I can barely stand it.
And that, my lovelies, is what constantly occupies my thoughts of late, and I guess I thought that it would spill over here, into my happy place. I’ve spent so much time feeling like who I’ve become is so much less than what my potential is that sometimes it’s hard to focus on the good in my life. Being stuck in a terrible job, being out all the time and jumping through fiery hoops to try and get a real job just totally consumed me for a while.
But then I take a step back and remember that I have a wonderful, loving, fun husband who is a constant bright spot in my sometimes dark days. And I remember that I have a fabulous family and a beautiful six-month old niece who has completely captured my heart. I remember that while I may not have many close friends to go out with all the time, I do have amazing friends who are just a tiny bit too far away for my liking.
And I remember that all this is temporary, and that the only way I’m going to get through the rough patch is by focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that eventually a principal will realize that I am a great teacher and offer me a job that I’ll love; I know that I’ll be able to quit my crappy job and rediscover this magical thing called “free time”; and I know that through it all I’ll have the Hubster by my side.
So, let’s call this my “new beginning”. I know March is perhaps an odd time to “start over”, but January is entirely too far away at this point (even though the number of houses I saw with Christmas lights still up today would suggest otherwise). I loved my blogger blog, but I had so many issues with that template and I wanted a new home. A fresh start.
I’m sorry I’ve been so absent lately, but thank you for caring enough to call me out on it, whoever you are.
I’m back. :)